I always dislike when I have the chance of a good night sleep but my mind goes on and on about all sorts of things. Like tonight, I know I am tired, so I had decided to go to bed early and get some needed rest. But then, all these thoughts and feelings come out and they want to talk!
I hear voices in my head...
— Voices in my head
Anything from personal frustrations, to work frustrations, finances and so on. Things I need to do, things I should do, goals, etc. How the world it's a clusterfuck, the pandemic, social issues and politics!
One thing that is having me restless more than anything tonight is work. I love my job, I am proud of working for the company that I am part of, proud of my team and what we do, and what I bring to it. But I still feel some disconnection in a way. When i started this job, I believe it was mid August of 2019 if I recall correctly. Like in any new job, for me at least, the first 6 months or so is all about learning the ropes and prove yourself worthy whilst still trying to buildup connections. Proving myself it's a big deal and I depend on relationships. That is my type of personality, I like to make fiends and have good people around me. Under normal circumstances, it is easy for me to build relationships and get along with people. This is how I have always been, I can talk to anyone and everyone, make jokes, have good conversations — I socialize.
Six to seven months into my new job the pandemic hits and we all get sent to work from home. Up to this point my "closest" relationships had been with my immediate team members or as I call them, the trailer dwellers. Maybe one or two activities in which I got to interact with other teams but nothing too significant.
Needles to say the pandemic made this worst. Then it was me, my computer, Skype for business and Zoom. And always with the same people. I get back to the office in august, close to my one year anniversary with the team. Still, it is not the same. Due to obvious reasons the company wants to keep minimum interactions between members of staff so, we have two shifts. I'm in the morning shift, from 5am to 12:15pm. In the trailer, instead of the entire team, it's just me and one other. At this point this is probably the closest relationship I have.
So I feel a huge disconnection from my other coworkers and the rest of the other teams. Still to this day, whenever we are having our zoom calls, they talk about people from the building that I have no friking idea who they are and it's weird to me.
It feels very different and foreign. In previous jobs there was always this dynamic in between teams and even when we didn't necessarily work directly with each other, there was always this sense of team and we were all teammates. There was good communication, for the most part, and everything flowed swimmingly. Also the fact that we had "team-building" activities helped with creating this relationships. And I am sure this dynamic exists and everyone else feels a part of a whole, it’s just that I feel like I never got the chance to be a part of it. I never had the chance to build those relationships, to build those bridges. And with social distancing and all that, it's making that even harder for me. This is adding to my ongoing stress and frustration. I feel very disconnected and not so much of a teammate. I feel like I've also become more socially awkward. It is, again, a very strange feeling.
All that being said, my team, is awesome. If I need help I can reach out and they'll help me out in any way they can.
As long as there's internet. 🙃